Heatley Came, Saw, Conquered and Fake Twittered

After routing Pharcaces II of Pontus in 47 B.C., Julius Ceasar famously sent back a message to the Roman Senate, “Veni, vidi, vici”—I came, I saw, I conquered.  It was a simple message of power, and a reminder to the Senate of who was in charge, and also an early instance of smack talk.  A simple remark by a leader emphasizing his power to those who desired his failure…a short statement devoid of flair, but requiring zero further embellishment to makes its’ point.

Like Caesar, Dany Heatley came into a harsh environment, where his former Ottawa Senators fans spewed vitriolic hate all game and tossed his jerseys onto the ice all night.  Heatley was booed incessantly every time he touched the puck, and booed even when he wasn’t on the ice.  Being sharp Canadian fans, Heatley was also booed as San Jose Sharks’ teammates thought about passing him the puck, and before the puck was even halfway to his stick.  They engaged in anticipatory booing, it was just phenomenal.

The Senator fans wanted desperately to see their villainous former hero and his team eradicated and humiliated.  They got neither.  They did wear masks, they threw cans, they chanted “Heatley Sucks”, they flipped him off, but in the end, Dany Heatley and his San Jose Sharks were the last men standing.  Heatley courageously faced the music, let his play do the talking and led the Sharks to a 4-0 victory.  It was a powerful, short statement through actions, executed by Heatley with precision and class.  He had walked right into Scotiabank Place with a target on his back, and exited the ice as the proud victor.

Turns out, Dany Heatley was also twitter fighting the entire game.  Below is a completely fictitious twitter exchange that was intercepted by the crack “Blades of Teal” investigative wing yesterday.

We pick up this exchange at the start of the game:

@RealDanyHeatley get ready for the pain! can’t wait for Chris Neil to separate that pea head from your body. those boos are for you FYI

@OttawaSensFan thx for the luv. Neil is about as nimble as a hippo stuck in bubble gum. does he even wear skates? seriously

@RealDanyHeatley funny guy, we’ll see how clever you are after we get the first goal

@OttawaSensFan oops 1-0 good guys. patty from boyle n jumbo. all on team canada if I remem correctly from gold medal presentation on tv. oh wait, I was standing next to them. nm

@RealDanyHeatley wait for our answer cry baby…I’m a jilted Cleveland and you are my Lebron

@OttawaSensFan OMG small world @KingJames just texted and we’re going to party together later this week in Dubai with Rony Seikaly. his jet is super sweet and has Centre Ice package. It’s 2-0 Sharks

@RealDanyHeatley is that you talking…or just your creepy eye?

@OttawaSensFan that eye is magic and channels mind bullets which are currently firing in your direction. Heater with the assist on that last one btw

@RealDanyHeatley I just tried to hit you with your old #15 Sens jersey, haven’t seen you dodge anything that well since that time Darcy Tucker tried to fight you

@OttawaSensFan wait, didn’t you pay $160 bucks of your own $ for that jersey? not sure what they actually cost, never bought one in my life…like seriously ever.  3-0 Sharks

@RealDanyHeatley I just tried to make you disappear with my mind, and by mind, I mean the Molson I just threw at you

@OttawaSensFan at the rate the Sens are going, I think that beer toss counts as a SOG. BTW that guy you keep seeing with his arms in the air is named @logancouture…aka CAPT CALDER

@RealDanyHeatley did I make fun of your eye yet?

@OttawaSensFan yes you already did. 4-0 and that’s ballgame. “hate heatley fest” still going on? crowd big motivation tonite thx! haven’t been this happy since your $4m check cleared. peace!

Now, had Julius Caesar been more of a braggart with a Twitter account, he might have jumped online and spent the entire night blasting Pharcaces II following their one-sided battle back in the day.  Or, maybe Caesar would have just waited until he could just dial into his version of the “The Jungle” with a vicious take to skewer his fallen opponent.

Certainly, if Pharcaces II was in Caesar’s fantasy league, it would have been a league-wide, smack whoopin’ display, not seen since that guy in your league traded for Marc-Andre Fleury.

Of course, Dany Heatley had too much class for any type of the above exchange, which is why it was up to those of us with more questionable judgment to do the smack talking for him.

Though the Ottawa fans were ready for him, in the end, Dany Heatley just came, saw and conquered…all the while avoiding full cans of beer being thrown at him.

Stay classy Senators fan.

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